Through the course of my day, I’m subjected to a lot of doublespeaky
lingo about maximizing workplace utility and drinking the Kool-Aid, err,
Chicken Soup for the Corporate Soul, and all kinds of other nonsense
about effective teambuilding/focused brainstorming/collective
creativity. It's enough to make one's eyeballs bleed. My
Bullshit-O-Meter is always in the red.
Instead of blueskying new methods of subverting the dominant
paradigm, why not just keep business as usual, but just tweak it a
little? If things are going well, there is no need to over-analyze and
focus group things to death - don't open that bag of snakes. And if
things need a bit of a nudge, why not do just that – nudge.
The magic doesn’t lie so much in changing thought patterns or policing
behaviors, because if the workplace becomes fun, those things will
change on their own - you can capitalize on that tailwind! The magic
lies in a couple hundred dollars' worth of small electronics, some chain
link fence, and packing tape.
Just a few things every office needs to be truly productive:
Soft-serv ice cream machine. Nothing, not one single
thing, lifts moods better than a cherry-dipped chocolate cone. If my
office had a soft-serv machine, I’d have one every day and I’d be a
million billion times happier and more productive for it. Soft-serv has
more calcium than regular ice cream, too. Happy workers have healthy
teeth and bones. It’s a True Science Fact. For the vegans, the lactose
intolerant, and freaks that just don’t like ice cream, there should also
be a selection of fruits, veggies, and pie. Vegan pie. Oh, and
bagels, too.
Dedicated whiteboards. No matter how strict your
workplace’s HR policies are, there needs to be at least one place where
anyone can pick up a marker and write POOP ON YOU in large block letters
with no repercussions. Better still if you can doodle up a couple of
hand turkeys humping. Turkeys humping are funny.
Weekly Cage Matches. I would work hard and stay in
the office late every night of the week if there was a Friday Night
Douchey Jargon-Off™ in my immediate future. Just imagine it: the Two
Axe-iest Bodily Sprayed men in the firm battling it out in a fight to
the death, or at least to severe ego harm. The winner takes the Herman
Miller knockoff chair.
Impromptu Lobster Knifefights. Less formal than the
cage match, but no less practical. Diplomacy and problem-solving
exercises are well and good, but sometimes disagreements and pecking
order persnickitynesses are best solved with a pair of box cutters taped to your hands.
Robot Day. One day a year, the entire office drops
what they are doing, turns off the phones, locks the doors, and builds
1950s-style robot suits out of cardboard boxes. This is a paid holiday,
by the way.
Oh, and one other thing: enough respect from above to trust that we’ll use this all wisely and well.
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