Some people claim that cheese is their Prozac. I’m one of those
people. I believe that cheese lifts downtrodden spirits. It comforts,
cures, and calms. Cheese is the best friend a person can have and will
never let you down. You can trust cheese.
The absolute ultimate in therapeutic cheese-eating is pizza. There is
a pie for every occasion, and an occasion for every pie – but nowhere
is pizza a more welcome support then when dealing with heartbreak. It
nourishes the body as well as the soul.
SHOCK & DENIAL
The most acute heartbreak is that very first crack – the world as you
know it has shattered, your friends do not understand, your family is
useless and meddling, you do not even really know what happened, and
nothing makes sense, and nothing will ever be good again. Ever.
This realization calls for Chicago-style deep-dish pizza, and lots of
it. Stuff it with as many ingredients as you can; don’t worry about
calories, you’ll probably not be able to choke down more than a few
bites anyway. This is a promise. But keep it around because there will
be times, most likely at 4am, when you’ll need it. This pizza will
always be there for you, unlike that fucker you just dumped. This pizza
will sate and comfort and never ask to have a threepover with that hot
blonde delivery driver from the Chinese delivery place.
PAIN & GUILT
The pizza of penance: Tombstone Double-Cheese frozen pizza. Whatever
happened, it was all your fault – you shouldn’t have questioned where he
was the past four nights, you should have just smiled nicely when he
made all those Nazi jokes, you shouldn’t have asked for that STD test.
You definitely should have been more understanding of his proclivities.
If you had, you’d still be together. It’s your fault.
You still won’t be able to eat more than a few bites, but these bites
will distract you with memories of other, difficult times. Remember
that year you were in college and working full time for minimum wage and
barely passing Astronomy 101 because you couldn’t stay awake because
the girl who lived above you spent all her nights entertaining young men
in a very loud and boisterous manner. A string of men who, you came to
find out, included your current boyfriend, at least one ex-, and that
really nice guy in Anthro 301 who you were really hoping would ask you
out on a study date? That was all your fault too. All you could afford
to eat was freezer pizza, apples, and ramen – you had to work overtime
to be able to splurge on beer to drown your sorrows. Compared to now,
that time was a good time. A slice of Tombstone will take you back.
ANGER & BARGAINING
Now is the time to give into the stereotype and get yourself some
Sicilian-style pizza. Sicilian pizza tends to have a thicker, heartier,
hand-tossed crust, and the cheese melted under the sauce. If it’s made
by people in the know, there will also be a killer garlic bite – great
for added effect when you are shaking your fists at the sky and yelling
into the night (and also for warding off vampires). You’re releasing
bottled-up emotion; you need to sink your teeth into a thick crust, you
need the tang of a real, homemade tomato sauce.
DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONELINESS
By now, everyone is telling you to get on with your life, but you are
still struggling with the reality of what really happened – god, he was such an asshole, but he was your asshole
and for whatever misguided reason, you miss him. Your friends want you
to get back out there, to get some hair of the dog, to take up a hobby,
to just do something! But you’re not ready to leave the couch and the
sweet, sweet comfort of the first three seasons of "Angel." You know
you’ve been sad and lonely and you think you should probably at least
get back to the gym, but only after a few pieces of St. Louis-style
pizza. The cracker crust and portion shape (squares rather than slices)
circumvent the rationing process — they’re so tiny, and so tasty, you
can eat a dozen of them, no problem! That is, until you realize that
you’ve eaten more than half of the pizza by yourself. If you weren’t
alone, you’d share it, but you are, so you won’t. Why even bother? And
your trip to the gym will be replaced by "Angel," season four.
THE UPWARD TURN
Your depression is lifting and you set your sights on California
Pizza Kitchen – everything seems a bit more normal, maybe even brighter,
and you feel okay stepping out for an evening and trying a few new
things, things you’d never have tried with him. Thai pizza with
carrots and bean sprouts? Japanese eggplant, roasted corn, and goat
cheese? Avocado and lettuce? Sounds wild, why the hell not! He’d
never have agreed to share this kind of pizza with you; it’s time to
take matters into your own hands. Plus, they do that nice Strawberry
Peach Margarita, and that always gets you a little giggly.
RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
You are on a mission, there’s no time for fuck around – you need
no-frills pizza that will sustain you on the go. This calls for Action
Pizza, Adventure Pizza - Street pizza, New York Style! The large slices
can be eaten on the go – folded, stacked, or one-by-one, they’ll always
be piping hot, with the cheese lightly browned and bubbling. Perfect,
like you. This is the on-the-go, let’s-go-tackle-the-world pizza. You
don’t need anything too heavy, nothing that will bog you down – you’re
functioning again, out in the world; you’re being practical, sassy, and
best of all you’re realizing that you’re so much better off now.
ACCEPTANCE & HOPE
Now that you are starting to feel healthy and hopeful, you’ll
probably start switching to things like bruscetta. The past few months
of melty cheese goodness have helped you, buoyed you, healed you, but
there are repercussions. Arterial repercussions, for one, and ones of
the waistline. But it’s ok, your soul has healed, and your body craves
health now; instead of a 16” stuffed crust Pan Pizza with all the
fixin’s, you’re having a toasted English muffin with marinara and a few
thin slices of BabyBel Lite. But it’s okay. It’s still pizza. Trust
me. Things may not be perfect, but you’re moving forward now, and even
though you still crave – and dive into– a four-cheese wood-fired pizza
from time to time, it’s out of enjoyment, not necessity. It’s awesome!
REVENGE
Like pizza, this dish is sometimes best served cold. Just wait…
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