Gawd, I hate veggie burgers.
So when I talk about them, I fall into the slouch of a bitter drunk
telling stories of how everything was better back in the day… I lean to
the left and rest on my elbow, I get a bit of a vacant stare, and I jab
the air dangerously close to your eye with a crooked finger to make my
point. You know the sad old woman at the end of the bar, ordering two
double 7&7s just minutes before the end of afternoon happy hour,
talking about all her various aches, pains, ills, and ailments to anyone
who will listen even if there is no-one listening? That’s me. About
veggie burgers.
Here’s the thing, my sweet petunias, Maude’s honest truth, if a
veggie burger was a person, I’d totally snub that sucker. If I had to
give a veggie burger a birthday present, it’d get the shake from the
bottom of my purse, all wrapped up with a pretty bow. My special
valentines love letter to a veggie burger would be a directly slurred
quote from Peter of Shut Up Little Man fame: “I got a decent dinner
ready. Nothing happened with the dinner. Because you crucified it. You
ruined it. God damn you.” For x-mas, I’d give it a used Cheryl Crow CD
and a bottle of Shania Twain’s “Starlight” perfume. That, my friends,
is hate well spent.
The problem with these burgers is kind of threefold, starting with
point one - commercial vegetarian patties aren’t made from any kind of
recognizable vegetable. Maybe there is a bean or two, or something
yellow that could possibly pass for corn, but those bits of glamour
matter are the best you can hope for; the rest is some kind of Soylent
Green filler matter, perhaps the stuff that sticks particle board
together. And it’s a True Science Fact that these patties not only lack flavor, they are the anti-flavor. Have you ever had ketchup, mustard, and cheese not taste good? Apply them liberally to a Boca burger and see what happens.
Homemade patties tend to fare better on the flavor side, but only by
sacrificing texture. I recently had Blue Glass’ veggie patty and while
it tasted ok, it was an unholy mess of a sandwich - the burger was at
least twice as big as the bun and not of a consistency that made it
edible sans bread. After surgically removing the hangy-off-the-bun
bits, I could easily have had 2 additional buns worth of filling. Even
after the initial surgery, what was left on the bun didn’t seem to want
to stay there and for every bite I’d take, an equal amount of filling
would fall out the back.
I kid you not, just look at all this leftover detritus; they could
have turned the one patty into three sliders and charged two dollars
more for the lot. I'd have eaten that!
Also, unless you’re at a very vegetarian-friendly joint, I mean veeeeeery veggie-friendly, like we kiss vegetarians on the lips as they pass through the door
kind of joint, veggie patties of either origin are handled with meaty
hands and usually not cooked on a dedicated meat-free part of the grill.
In fact, I am pretty sure that they are made by people who hate people
who have to eat veggie burgers.
So, to sum this up:
1. Pre-made veggie patties were formed in a sterile lab by soulless robots
2. Housemade patties need to be trussed up like a French whore in order to stay on the bun
3. Haven’t decided what point 3 is yet, but trust me, it’s salient
4. Odds are, veggie burgers are not really vegetarian anyway
5. Hey you whippersnappers, buy this old broad another drink whydontcha
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