Mac and Cheese, Oh Please (Bitchy Vegetarian Girlfriend)

It’s no secret that macaroni and cheese counts as 3 of my top 5 comfort foods. I love it.  I’ve participated in, and hosted, mac and cheese cook-offs.  I will eat it for breakfast.  I can make it from scratch even if there is no cheese in the house. That’s how much I fucking love the stuff.

So it pains me to say this, Seattle restaurants, but please, stop making mac and cheese your default meatless menu item.  It’s getting worse than the whole veggie burger thing.  Just stop it.

First off, unless you are Madame K’s or Café Venus, your mac and cheese isn’t that good. It’s not.  There is a lot of gimmicky mac out there; you can get it with a Velveeta pour, you can get it garlicked or ungarlicked, with sliced hotdogs, with shitake mushrooms and truffle oil ... heck, even with lobster chunks.  But all that is just lipstick on a pig, you know. Café Venus and Madame K’s  (which is now closed and sorely missed) have the formula down pat.  K’s was baked, Venus’ was sauced, and both had the perfect comfort food trifecta -- simple, cheesy, sating -- made to order with nothing unnecessary in the mix. If the mac and cheese doesn’t stand up on its own, the addition of a bit of glitter won’t help matters.

Secondly, when mac and cheese is on the menu, it’s just that – there are no vegetables, no contrasting textures, nothing, zip, zilch, nada.  It sucks to be at a table with fellow diners who have well thought out and crafted entrees - plates brimming with balanced and complimentary tastes and textures - when I just have a plateful of glop with nary a vegetable in sight. And no, the addition of salsa or green onions or even chanterelles into the mix does not count. It’s just a half-step above the “oh I guess I’ll just take these appetizers and attempt to make a meal out of them” thing.  Makes me stabby.
Also, last, thirdly, thridst: Mac and cheese is not good for you.  Remember the whole fettucine alfredo “heart attack on a plate” jibba-jabba?  Well, et tu, mac and cheese?  I’m not a vegetarian for my health, but I would like to not die from coronary heart disease until I’m at least 45, please.