Whatever. Here we go. First up, dinner al forno. Which means baked. Hot dish! The food of MY people... wait, sponsored by Contadina tomato sauce? Baked gnocchi mac and peas, which is just mac and cheese, plus peas, minus the macaroni which the recipe title implies is there. I mean, gnocchi is pasta - but it's not macaroni - know what I mean? And there are a lot of peas in this mess. A lot. 2 cups of frozen peas. This are more peas than cheese! Insult to injury, the cheese is provolone, which may just as well be notebook paper, and I am not down with this recipe at all. The rest of the dishes don't look like anything I've ever seen at Olive Garden and are basically variations on meat + cheese + sauce. (Disclaimer: I haven't been to an olive garden since college, which was [redacted] years ago. Do they still have breadsticks?)
Cool trends: soap that smells like oversweetened cocktails. Which has been coming to you live from your local farmers market for, what, 20 years now? And a pizza museum. And chicken nuggets that look like dinosaurs. No, wait, that's an ad.
Next page, the $142 worth of beauty products you need for the no-makeup look. Following that, a few expensive suggestions for device-free date nights and getaways. You know what you can do for free? Turn off your phone and read a book. Or turn off your phone and go for a walk. And if you really feel the urge to spend some cash to make your experience feel more real and intentional, you can donate some cash to charity, then turn off your phone, and go do whatever. You really don't need to shell out any dosh for this.
On to the real recipes: 17 Fast and Fresh Ideas. First up, Tuna and white bean crostini. Basically a bunch of small tuna melts, but the idea is solid. Artichoke hearts, fried eggs on foaccacia, the right way to chop basil, affogato, so far so good. But none of these ideas are really fresh, it's just a list of things we all know taste good. Thank you Rachael, for the confirmation that pizza is delicious.
Cannoli filling! 2 pages of really great-sounding recipes. What's missing, though, is the recipe for the shell. When was the last time your local Thriftway stocked pre-made cannoli shells. I mean, outside of a few grocers in St. Paul, Boston, and Philly, I can't think of anywhere to buy them. The closet of those places is 1200 miles away. (Note to anyone reading in Lowertown or West Seventh, wanna stop by Cosetta's and put together a care package for me?)
And now, soup! And sauce! And a bunch of ads for lunchables. Shopping for groceries with a burlesque dancer who has, gasp, a family and a non-sparkly day life. This feels exploitative, but the roast chicken with butternut squash recipe looks hella delish. So...
30 Minute Meals; my favorite axe to grind. The mac and cheese with chard looks good, far better than that non-mac claptrap that Rachael tried to pull a couple of pages ago. Charred eggplant doesn't go nearly far enough, because nowhere in the directions does it say "burn in a fire and bury on consecrated ground. Cover with 5 pounds of salt. Walk away and never look back. Do not eat the pomegranate seeds."
In a sidebar note, Rach says that bacon, maple syrup, and pumpkin seeds have no place in an Italian kitchen. And I get it, no maples in Naples, but there are a crapton of recipes in here already that have non-trad ingredients.
Following the quickie meals is a blurb on how to add a little Italy to their lives - drink Campari, put fontina cheese in things, don't cut your pasta, buy fresh foods, share your pizza, respect your coffee. Isn't this just how one lives anyway? I mean, maybe we all weren't born with amaro coursing through our veins, but it just seems like universal truth. But if you really wanna go overboard, following are pages on pages of purple things you can put in your kitchen to evoke wine, eggplant, and lipstick.
Finally! A shoutout to Halloween, with a couple of jack-o-lantern ideas. Remember how pumpkin seeds aren't Italian? Halloween isn't either, but Il Giorno dei Morti is, and it's kinda close? Maybe? Honestly I don't know and a quick google search won't do it justice. Anyway, the IT inspired pumpkin is pretty damn cool.
Cutting out sugar and practicing self-care round out this month's issue. The sugar article says don't rely on sugar substitutes, but the facing ad encourages us to use Stevia In The Raw when baking big, frostingey, fudgey cakes. The self-care is by and for breast cancer survivors, which is awesome and maybe shouldn't be relegated to the back pages, smashed between a tailgate party ad and some flap about Slimfast.
The burger of the month is an Oktoberfest burger, with sauerkraut and a pretzel roll, which is fine, just fine, but.. Oktoberfest is a) in September and 2) Bavarian. So maybe a better burger would be some kind of roast pork (well technically veal, but if you eat veal you are an asshole so that gets a pass), topped with a healthy dollop of some mustard that doesn't fuck around.
Honestly, I'm disappointed. Most of this magazine centers on accessible northern Italian foods, nothing that would challenge middle America, and nothing I could identify from Calabria or Sicily, no risotto, no swordfish, no squid. Italy has an amazing array of regional foods, it makes me sad to continually see just one area represented. If a magazine claimed to be a celebration of American cuisine and only presented variations of Cincinnati chili, buckeyes, and a Wendy's Frosty with fries, you'd be pissy, too.
What a waste of a Halloween issue! Aren't there other months for Rachael to dumb down Italian food? Only a couple of jack-o-lantern ideas stuffed in the back? WTF Rach?
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