Every Day I Hate Rachael Ray - The Return

I started hating Rachael Ray pretty innocently, we got her magazine at work and sometimes I'd flip through it, and if something was particularly egregious, I'd show a co-worker and we'd have a laugh. And then I started looking forward to the next issue. And then I started bringing things home to mock. And before you know it, hatin' on the Ray became a thing I'd look forward to each and every month.

Then the subscription ended. I wasn't sad, but over time I did come to realize that I missed her particular brand of food buffoonery. Buffoodery.

So here we are again.


It was an unusually hot Seattle day; I had ducked into a drugstore to bask in the air conditioning and was nearly struck in the face with the headline "Beer Can Chicken 6 Ways!" I thought to myself, using 6 different types of beer does not count as six ways, and prepared myself for disappointment as I flipped the magazine open to page 28. There indeed was a pyramid of cans - 4 beers, 2 sodas.

"Pour out half..." each recipe starts with. Pour. Out. Half. Not "drink half" or "decant half" or even a poetic, "take the Julia Childs route and reserve half for the chef..." Oh no. So you start out by wasting half a beer. Then you prop your chicken on whatever can and rub it with some stuff and put it on the grill. While the chicken is cooking, you could be sitting back, enjoying a tasty glass of half-beer, but nope - Rachael told you to dump it in the grass where it will attract wasps and slugs. Have fun with that.

Further horrors await within.

Page 12: The Breakfast Burger. It's a mcmuffin with a hamburger patty instead of a sausage patty. Do you need to be told this is a thing you can do? It's a thing you can do.

Page 35: Pink Flamingo Ring Toss. I don't actually hate this, but I'm guessing the average reader doesn't have a back yard, let alone a back yard big enough to house this game of Wonderlandian proportions. I used to have a back yard big enough, in another city, in another life...  Ok, fine, I hate this now.

Page 41: "Iced coffee concentrate made from coffee beans." As opposed to...?

Page 48: Party Tips. "Place drinks and food in different rooms." Starts out fair enough, that's some good advice, gets people movin'. But then, unfortunately, it continues; "Instead of making crostini with tapenade, set out ingredients so guests can build their own: a basket with toasted baguette slices and maybe a black olive tapenade and one with green olives... Asking another partygoer which topping she recommends is a simple, natural way to break the ice."
Him: "Oh yum! Crostini! My favorite! But... I wanna try something new. Hey, excuse me young miss, what would you recommend I put atop this delicious bread?"
Her: [side eye] "Well, there's tapenade and, umm,  tapenade, take your pick."
THEY FALL IN LOVE AND MAKE BABIES THE END.

Oh, then the article goes on to say that wallflowers can get put to work serving food, because hey, who needs to hire waitstaff when you have socially awkward friends.

Page 59: Camping Cocktails. If one is the type to bring Campari and Sweet Vermouth camping, one is not the type to shake them together in a Mason jar and add beer. This is a universal truth.

Page 97: Steve assures me that while Smith Island is a real place, the fishermen there don't really care too much about their dessert's presentation. Cake is cake, amirite?  And Minnesota actually has 15,291 lakes. And if all Nevada is known for is its cantaloupe farms, well then, I just can't even finish this sentence.

Page 104: Momofuku's Christina Tosi's Icebox Cake! Goodness! I'm expecting a 6-part recipe with 8 different steps, 9+ hours of combined cooling time, and a secret surprise in the middle that would give me a weeklong tonguegasm. I'm getting a pile of Cool Whip, grape jelly, and Ritz crackers. I am disappoint.  I'm going to make my own version with salted brown butter shortbread, freshly whipped cream, organic concord grape juice, and spite.

It's good to be back.