Trained Canaries. Forget pocket puppies and designer
kittens. The hippest of the hipsters are already filling their houses
with canaries and training them to whistle the entire catalog of
Decemberists tunes. Diehard “Canariistas” will by now have trained
five-piece B-52’s flock (heralding back to the Ricky Wilson years), a
four-part harmonium dedicated to the works of Esquivel, and a soloist
capable of emulating most of Diamanda Galas’ unreleased solo works.
Oatmeal Box Cameras. Until someone invents a Camera
Obscura that can fit in a messenger bag, retro-minded hipsters will
continue their slow technological decline. Holga’s fussy light leaks
and Technicolor flash arrays are already yesterday’s news. Going old
school, with a box of Quaker Oats and some duct tape, will be the wave
of the future. Kitchen sink darkrooms will be the homebrew of the
future.
Fantasy Foosball. It’s hard to enter into the
sporting word ironically, unless one really is a chess boxing
aficionado, but the hipster of tomorrow is resourceful and will find a
way. Since fantasy football is already skirting the line between sport
and “Dungeons and Dragons” for a different type of nerd, the next
logical step is to remove the LARP factor. Enter Fantasy Foosball.
We’re not quite sure of the rules, but be assured that no hipster is
either.
Sock Garters. In a deliberate coup, hipsters are
about to take sock garters away from the Steampunks. I don’t mean the
sexy stocking garters readily available at any lingerie outlet, I mean
grandpa-style, around the knee with a hangy-downy clip sock garters.
Socks that stay up by themselves are so passé.
Conspicuous Darning. And speaking of socks, it has
come to pass that mending is the new knitting, and hipsters nationwide
will begin to conspicuously darn their own socks — in public and without
apology. The only necessary items for this new frugal craft are
custom-made, hand-poured, resin darning eggs, a Banksy-approved darning
needle, and embroidery floss hand-spun from recycled Ann Demeulemeester
sweaters.
Tanorexia. White, pasty complexions are so
late-2009. What better way to give an ironic finger to Seattle’s
sunless summers and rain-filled winters than by sporting the tannest of
tans available? With judicious airbrush use, the tanorexic can create
tan lines in unusual places, accentuate their
unicorn-eating-pizza-while-watching-“Diff’rent Strokes” tattoo, or even
manscape up a nice set of six-pack abs.
Fictional Guidebooks. Since atheism is losing its
luster, hipsters will start flocking towards a new sense of spirituality
(or not, as they see fit) and will start taking ideas from The Code of
Masked Wrestling, The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, The Slayer Handbook,
The Junior Woodchucks Guidebook, and even the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis.
Granted, none of these books actually exist, but don’t tell them that.
Fly-Eye Glasses. Multifocals, or MuFos as they will
be known, will be all the rage. Why just see 20/20 when you can also
magnify, divide, kaleidoscope, and have lenses set for polarized and
anaglyph 3-D at the ready?
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