There are plenty of ways to use your landscape to your best
advantage. Sunny floral borders are pretty easy things for the casual
gardener to plant and maintain, while hedge mazes and topiary provide
challenges for the more advanced gardening ninja. You can xerioscape,
plant sustainably, choose your plants to attract birds and butterflies.
You can even coordinate your planting so that you’ll see nothing but
your favorite spring colors through fall.
And you can also plant defensively. The internet is rife
with advice for keeping your lawn and garden in a manner that deters
burglars and other hooligans – planting uninviting bushes under windows
to deter peeping toms and the like. But if you’ve got bigger fish to fry
— a legion of 12-year-olds in Converse lo-tops running through your
corner lot, or gremlins creeping in from parts unknown — more creatively
aggressive measures may be necessary.
If you’ve got just a few containers on a patio or a entire 50 acres
to occupy, there may be some good planting tips in here for ya. (Note:
Check around before you send away for seeds. It may be illegal, or at
least ill-advised, to cultivate some of these plants.)
Stinging nettles generally grow in dense clumps, about three to four
feet high, making them perfect for under-window hedging. They spread via
rhizomes, so container planting, deep edging, and other
spread-preventing measures are encouraged. They prefer a nitrogen-rich
soil and full sun. Anyone hoping to hide in and among these bushes will
be in for a long-lasting, nasty surprise. If more aggressive stingers
are more your speed, you can attract bees with butterfly bush,
honeysuckle, lavender, mints, sage, and any number of pretty blooming
flowers.
Kunai grass is a perennial, ornamental grass that has blades coated
in fine silica crystals. While it’s pretty, often tipped with pink or
brown blades, it’s not something those horrendous neighbor kids will
want to run barefoot through, that’s for sure.
Common Ragweed packs a double-wallop. In addition to being a prime
culprit in summer allergies and hay fever, it also causes a nasty, itchy
skin rash. Score! Common Ragweed is hardy, grows well
throughout most planting zones, and thrives in nearly all conditions.
Growing from one to six feet high, Common Ragweed is versatile and can
play many roles in your garden. Giant Ragweed, however, can grow to 15
feet and is much more suited to a back border. Both are annuals and must
be planted each year, like dissent. Established plants will most likely
be self-seeding, though.
If prickly hedging is what you are after, Firethorn is a fast-growing
shrub with some pretty wicked thorns. Firethorn can be pruned into a
nearly impenetrable hedge — and it may even be good for topiary, with
some chicken wire, twisty-ties, and patience. And thick gloves.
You could do the rose thing, too — while more and more rosebushes are
of the ‘thornless’ variety, the Japanese rose is still known for its
plethora of pokey bits. They grow to be about eight feet high, and seem
to prefer part-shade. Japanese rose branches grow vertically, with
smaller branchlettes veering off in horizontal directions — so even
though the plant may seem airy, it packs all kinds of hidden hurt and
woe in store for any fool who should try to climb through.
Larger thorns may be necessary in some instances … like, say, if
you’re planting a hedge against a Godzilla invasion. Take a cue from
your local SuperMax and plant Hardy Orange and Black Locust trees.
Hawthorne is a dense, but tall, hedge that can perform perimeter-guard
duty as well. And you may want to make nice with that Cloverfield
Monster, just in case Godzilla discovers stompy boots.
Bougainvillea may be a good option for those in southern climates;
its long, thorny but flowery vines are great for covering fences and
trellises. Cactuses and spine-tipped yucca can also make great
decorative borders and under-window treatments.
You do all this, and anyone who comes calling on you uninvited — exes
who just don’t get the point, chumps selling magazine subscriptions,
that annoying lady from the Chase Bank ads — is gonna walk away itching,
scraped and sneezing. As nature intended.
No comments:
Post a Comment