Every Day I Hate Rachael Rae - Rebootening: The Sequel

A number of years ago, I had a job that gave me access to a million billion periodicals. While Modifications Monthly and American Songwriter were fun, I gravitated towards the eaty and drinky side of things. Imbibe, Vegetarian Times, and Cooks Country soon became my favorites, and I would look forward to them with glee. Actual glee! Saveur and Food And Wine were also high in the ranks, albeit a bit too meaty for me (I was a longtime vegetarian then and am only now eating the occasional chicken breast or piece of fish). Martha Stewart tried hard, but never really grabbed me.

Everyday with Rachael Ray was also in the stack, and at first I just ignored it. Then I flipped through an issue. Then I flipped that issue off my desk and across the room. A lifetime frenemy was made that day! Assuming, of course, that Everyday stays in publication as long as I am alive. It’s possible.

When I left the ‘zine-filled job, I thought about continuing the column I’d started, but I had some serious moral quandaries about spending actual cash out of my own pockets for the magazine that caused me so much grief. I just couldn’t do it. Until today. Today I came across a publisher special + coupon combo that brought my price-per-issue down to 37 cents. That’s doable.

So, here we are.

The cover of the June issue features Rachael standing in front of a graffiti wall, wearing a t-shirt with the symbol of the Independent Order of Oddfellows on it. Because she is edgy AF. But wait! It’s not graffiti, it’s the magazine contents. And it's not a brick wall that’s been painted white, it’s photoshop. We are off to a great start!

Oh, according to the intro, it’s a music issue. Because cooking, like building playlists, can be considered an act of love.  As a mix-tape master and a person of the kitchen, I have to agree with that sentiment. But then there is a photo of Rachael’s husband, rockin’ a Flying V at SXSW, and… yup, now I’m off my feed.

The first recipe is for grilled pineapple pizza. As a fan of pineapple on everything and a fan of pizza, I’m down! But wait. This isn’t pizza. It’s prefab pizza dough, grilled, and then topped with sweetened mascarpone and grilled pineapple and mint. It could actually be tasty, but pizza it is not. The article continues on with grilled avocados and potatoes and chicken and whatnot, and pretty much most of it seems harmless enough, but I cannot get over the fact that the grill marks in every photo are at different widths. These are not grilled foods that have been grilled on a grill, these are foods that have been branded for appearance's sake. Poorly.

Did you know that you can make sangria by mixing Fresca and some melon and a bottle of rose in a pitcher and topping it off with vodka? Well you can. I will probably stick to spooning frozen orange juice concentrate into a plastic bottle of Phillips vodka, but at least now I have a fun way to branch out should I so choose.

Fashion! There is fashion now. Turn to the left. Turn to the right. Buy a Rebel Rebel t-shirt for $68. (Don’t do that, get a different better Bowie shirt from his online shop, or your friendly neighborhood ebay.)

Ok, back to food. The Peach and Prosciutto Crostini looks an awful lot like the grilled pineapple not-pizza. Because it is. Change the cheese, add ham, and there ya go. And there’s a pineapple punch that looks a lot like the sangria, only different fruit and white wine instead of rose. And a different potato salad that’s basically the same, (cue Troy Barnes uptalk) and yet not?

And now there is a tropical chicken with mint and… surprise! … pineapple. So take that not-pizza and swap the prefab crust for some chicken breasts. Add white rice, because mediocrity. Advertisers have their brandmark on recipes featuring their ingredients; I’m not sure if this is new to the magazine, but it’s new to me and I kinda hate it.  Use Royal brand basmati rice or your head will explode.

A couple more pages in and we are learning the new way to rose. Evidently it involves drinking #millenialpink out of a can. And none of the cans (or bottles) actually contain rose. There are 4 ciders, one ale, and a grapefruit wine spritzer.

Sideblurb about the effects of upbeat music while shopping completely misses the point of the Musak-era mood experiments performed in myriad office buildings across the country. Look it up.

Now we are diving into the real bread and butter - what Rachael Rae is known best for: 30 Minute Meals. These are "foods to cook while listening to music that's way too loud."  That is exactly what she said right there. First up, Baja beer-battered fish tacos. Pretty basic, but looks tasty. It could have called for fish sticks but didn't, so I'm giving it a +1. Spinach pasta with chile, preserved lemons, and pistachios, also nothing bad there. Chicken and chile fried rice, I'm down with that culinary mash-up. ok, now wait... red eye tacos. This... could be a thing. Caffeinated tacos! But the recipe only calls for 1/2 cup coffee (leftover from breakfast or strongly brewed, dealers choice evidently), and since the recipe makes 8 tacos, that's, what, one tablespoon coffee per taco? I'm suddenly no longer impressed. I'm just gonna skip over the rest of this.

Back to music. Overpriced festivals! The Foo Fighters like Cornish game hens! Action Bronson likes seasonal fruit! John Bon Jovi's wine tastes good but has awful labels! A recipe for Zac Brown's Heavenly Creamed Corn.  Can't we be done yet?

Nope, because now comes popsicle recipes. These actually look ok, especially the double-melon mint and the tangerine vanilla bean.

What else... stuff about oysters, some great gifts for dad (assuming he likes ugly shoes and $150 copper growlers), dog stuff, and a Slimfast ad.

It's good to be back.